for years, i walked around with my woundedness like a coat over me. i knew it and didn't know it at the same time. when you come from {years of} abuse at such a young age, you tend to stay in it--its comfortable. it wears well. or you think. i had a chip on my shoulder, had a downcast countenance and pretty much was a miserable person. i was walking around as a cripple. as god continued to pursue my heart, things began to heat up....i was on a slow burn (as in burn out)...had 9 children, i was homeschooling them and working part time at our church. our home was also for sale.

that's when i discovered a relative on my husband's side had abused 3 of my girls. i was devastated. i then miscarried...not one, but 3 babies. in 2 years. i was a mess. god used all of this to get my attention....and to began healing me.

therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness, and speak kindly to her ~hosea 2:14

god slowly began showing himself to me....who he is and who i am in his eyes.

i was in counseling at this time and my counselor said to me at one point (and several times after that) that i would always walk with a limp. the picture i had is of a broken bone that had not been set correctly....not a pretty picture. at the same time...it looked better than being a cripple........but i wanted COMPLETE healing.....

i have struggled with that thought throughout the years since he said that, and more so lately. it has seemed to me that to proclaim that means i wouldn't walk in complete healing. that i am discounting what god has done in my life.

and then...this came to mind....2 Corinthians 1:4: he comforts (or heals) us when we are in trouble, so that we can share this same comfort (or healing) with others in trouble.

i hate what i have had to walk through. i hate that my children have had to suffer at my hands and those that i have placed in their lives.

and.

i wouldn't change it. not for a second. because it has made me (and in the process of my children) what i am now. and i don't ever want to forget what it was like to walk in darkness and pain. i don't ever want to tell someone how to walk through something to get to the other side without empathy and the willingness to walk through it with them....

for that to be possible {for me}, i have to remember....not stay in the pain, but remember what it was like.

i am reminded constantly how fragile i can be...without god's hand and healing...how quickly i revert to old thinking and old ways of dealing with pain.....

and while i am not walking crippled any longer, i do walk with a limp.

as i walk a little differently than those around me, i am reminded of the power of god in my life....how much he saved me from, how much he healed me of....and that he so graciously left the memories to never forget where i have journeyed from and where my help comes from.....

i will forever be grateful for it.....